There are days that I go to sleep hoping the nightmare of diabetes was just that a nightmare we’ve been stuck in and when I awake it will all be a distant thought. However that’s not happening. Part of me still “hopes” on the days the Clifford’s blood glucose #s seem perfect that his pancreas jumpstarted itself back to life. Yeah, I know this isn’t true and don’t live in dream land thinking it is, like I said “hopes”. I don’t post daily on here because honestly I get tired of talking about diabetes day in and day out. Is it selfish? I don’t think so. We live diabetes 24/7 and I get worn out, exhausted, thrown under the bus from everything it brings forth that at the end of the day I DON’T want to talk about it. My mind is already thinking about it, I can’t stop that, believe me I try. I just can’t shut it off. I’m always thinking carbs, units of insulin, how much he got, how much that’s going to bring him down, is he going to drop overnight.
Oh and then there’s the guilt. Somehow the other night I completely shut OFF my cellphone with the alarm in the middle of my sleep. The alarm didn’t go off, I didn’t wake up until 7am…. Somehow my subconscious was telling me to sleep. But it didn’t erase the guilt in the morning until I tested him and found out he was good, and more importantly ALIVE! I’m only human. I try as hard as I possibly can to get up and check as much as I can but I do need to recharge my batteries. And I detest diabetes for making me feel so guilty about sleeping.
In the end all you have is the above.. STRENGTH…. You really don’t know how strong you are until it’s the only choice you have left. I’ve been sleep deprived for so long now that I don’t know any different. I still wake up in the middle of the night even if no ones awake or it isn’t time to test. My body just won’t let me sleep. So if you ever get the remarks of “Oh I couldn’t do that, or I don’t know how you do it”. Just respond, you would be surprised with what you could do when you had no other choice.
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