Just so tired of diabetes, and what it does to him. So tired that even though it’s bedtime the night is not over. That the battle cannot even be done for rest time. So tired that when I wake up in the middle of the night unexpectedly I think it’s God’s way of telling me to go check on him. I can’t get back to sleep until I do. Even more tired of the fact that he is in fact low at 2am sometimes out of the blue! So tired that yes my mind goes there, “WHAT IF” I didn’t wake up unexpectedly to test him, the scheduled test wasn’t for another hour! So tired that even though great technology like the CGM and MYSentry are available that we aren’t privy to these lifesaving devices because the insurance deems them not necessary. If one of these insurance folks had to watch their son suffer a seizure from a hypo knowing there was absolutely nothing they could do about it, and in fact the seizure seemed to play out in slow motion all the while your mind is thinking you are watching him die right there in front of you, then maybe, just maybe they would deem these devices necessary. Perhaps if they knew what it was like to go on broken sleep for what seems like forever, they might think otherwise. I’m so tired of blood! I’m so tired of pain, not just the physical pain that Clifford has to endure but the emotional pain it puts on the whole family. I’m so tired of being a freaking calculator that my head hurts. I’m so tired of doing the job of a pancreas that was defeated when his immune system came throwing down. I’m so tired of hearing there will be a cure in 10 years…From what I’ve heard many other D mom’s before me have heard this same thing, find the cure already damnit, and move on from believing Diabetes is your pot of gold, I think people’s lives are much more important than any amount of money in the world. I’m overall just so tired of the whole damn thing.
But even though I’m tired I still move forward. I still work to fight as hard as I can to make sure he stays alive DAILY! I don’t like to think of it that way, but when you’re told you actually save your child’s life DAILY, that’s huge and at the same time sad. No matter how tired I am its all worth it to see him smiling and laughing and enjoying life! It’s all worth it seeing him enjoy being just a “kid” not a kid with diabetes. So even though I’m so tired of you diabetes, I will continue to fight you!
