Friday, January 7, 2011
The most common phrase you will hear as a teenager or probably have heard is "your too young, your not in love". While that may hold true for some, others it's not. At 14 years old I found myself feeling endless butterflies, and flip flops in my stomach the moment he glanced my way. When he held my hand it felt as if my heart was about to explode out of my chest. And even when he beemed a wiffle ball at me while we were playing baseball, my heart skipped a beat. A moment shortly after as we laid back, where I can't remember fully where we were, but what I do remember is laying there staring into his eyes and feeling like I could look at them forever. Girls always remember their first kiss, but how many can say it was with the one they would want to spend the rest of their lives with? I was in fact 14, a teenager, it couldn't possibly be love but infatuation, right?
As high school moved on, those feelings did nothing but get a little stronger, instead of my heart exploding, I felt like I was going into full cardiac arrest when he paid any sort of attention to me. I remember one night sneaking out to attend a party for him at Adam's (sssh, mom didn't know about this then but will now!). We weren't dating at the time and he was actually with someone else. But we were friends and the chance to get to see him well I'd jump at that no matter what. I can look back and think one of the best days had to be when he decided he was going to be our statistician for volleyball. We weren't exactly "together" at this time but that didn't matter to me, to me it meant I got to see him more. Volleyball was my life at this time, and I can probably contribute some of my success with it to the fact that I was attempting to show off for him.
When I moved at the end of my junior year it felt like that heart that was so eager to jump out of my chest had just died. Part of me was missing, I felt empty, and nothing seemed to fill this void. Even though we tried the distance between us, as teenagers was to hard to battle with. I got to attend my senior prom back at my old high school, I looked forward to it for many reasons. I got to see my old friends again, got to visit everyone, but most importantly I knew HE would be there. I was beyond nervous, but the moment I saw him, something just felt right. My heart felt a little less empty.I couldn't take my eyes off of him that night. Hopefully I did a good job at hiding that part :D. It may have been rude at the time, but I spent more time dancing with him that night then I did my actual date to the prom. I missed him more then anything and wanted nothing more then to talk with him forever. But sadly like all good things that night had to come to an end. The last time I saw him was the day after prom, he picked me up at the motel and we went somewhere briefly (again I can't remember exactly where), all that mattered to me was it was with him. I was now 18, but I knew my heart would never be the same.
Now if they say "It's not love"... I would beg to differ. And even though I moved forward on the outside, on the inside my heart was never the same. I spent the majority of my adult life, wondering what he was doing, how he was and asking myself if he was happy. I wanted nothing more then to run into him somewhere, just to get another glance at him and know he was okay.
While I wouldn't change anything in my past because the outcome of it was 3 beautiful children I would do anything for and love dearly, part of me always wondered "what if"....
The happy ending to my story is I don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. The icing on the cake was when I found out he actually felt the same way about me. I no longer felt like a creepy stalker, looking him up online every chance I got just to make sure he was doing okay and that he was happy.
The best part of it all was my heart, that always felt like something was missing, was now whole once again. They say you have a soul mate out there, a one true love. Before I would have laughed and said it's not possible. But now I know it is true, and that you will know who this person is because your heart will feel as if something is missing if they are not in your life. To me my definition of a soul mate, and true love is someone you can see yourself growing old with, someone who makes you laugh, someone who understands your wacky sense of humor, someone you would do anything for, someone who makes your life that much better to be living, your best friend, and most importantly someone that completes your heart!
I missed him more then anything in the world, but now with him it feels like the sunshine is that more brighter. I can picture us old, still making pervy comments to one another, still fighting with the grandkids to play their video games, and still 100% totally head over heels for one another.
Lately it seems that I have been doing an okay job at being Clifford's pancreas. His numbers have been within range mainly around 80-160s for a week and a half, with only 1 or two highs. Last night comes around and the meter beeps 316 at the check before his bedtime snack .... *Facepalm* smacked back to reality.
Although I know deep down he has Type 1 diabetes and it will never go away and we will always be fighting this monster. There are times like this last week and a half that I sometimes drift into dreamland and think for once, oh maybe his body corrected himself.. Reality is, no it will not he has from here on out a non functioning pancreas. He has been declared out of the honeymoon stage which is bittersweet. Sad because that means basically his pancreas if fully dead. He still had 20% usage left when he was diagnosed. The only positive (we have to find positives somewhere when dealing with D), is that getting out of the honeymoon stage means we can move forward in our battle with D. Forward to getting on an insulin pump, which will give us some better control of Cliffy's blood sugar.
Now seeing as we had a 316 at bedtime, that meant a higher dose of insulin to cover the carbs for our bedtime snack. This also meant more frequent nighttime checks to make sure he wasn't dropping too fast. Multiple checks last night showed a steady number range at 96, 102, 108, and 97! Then at wake up... *Drum roll please* 109!!!! So F! off briefly Diabetes we managed to keep you at bay for the night and morning! But as we all know D is a mean bastard and will battle us just as hard for the rest of the day.
Here's to good numbers for you all in D land! And for hope that you all can at least get 2 hours of sleep in one stretch without the worry of D!
And I'm sure I speak on behalf of a lot of you when I say Duck Fiabetes!!! (just the other way around...... ;) )