Perfect Decisions.....

Everyone has a time when they second guess themselves and the decisions they are making. Sometimes it is as simple as making the decision on what to wear for the day. However in D life, the decisions are vital to the health and well being of our children.

Usually I'm pretty good at holding a steady head and not second guessing the decisions I'm making regarding D. Until once in a blue moon, someone who really has no idea what it's like to live with a child who has D day in and out decides to open their mouth. It's one thing to say "oh why did you do this", and it's another to question ever single move I make in regards to D. Especially when there is nothing I'd wish more then for my boy to be rid of D and have a healthy, normal childhood. And especially when D takes over my mind 24/7/365. I don't even get a break from D when I am sleeping, (those special occasions that I do). The best way to put it is, I really don't like second guessing myself when it comes to D.

However, in that brief moment of second guessing it is reassuring to have others who know you and what you are doing tell you, you made the right decision, and D is definitely not always black or white. It's also reassuring to have someone stand by your decisions and know you are doing whatever it takes to make sure Cliffy is cared for properly. It is also a nice pat on the back when the health care team responsible for your child lets you know, you did exactly what they would have done given the circumstances.

The point of this post is mainly a vent, and a "How dare you", at those who question. I make sure to provide the best care possible for Cliffy when it comes to D. D gives me a headache daily, makes me want to pull my hair out, and I curse D under my breath all the time! But I make sure to do what needs to be done to ensure the safety and health of my child. If there was a way I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat. But unfortunately life is not a fairytale, and a magic wand can't be waved for my wishes. If it was we definitely wouldn't be close with D as we are now!

Sleep?!? What is it exactly?

Sleep is something many people take for granted. It has been said by many doctors and researchers that adults typically need between 7-9 hrs of sleep a night. (This number makes me giggle ). I really haven't slept that long in over 9 years. But now add in a set of 3 month old twins and a diabetic son, and tell me when the next time will be I can partake in my 7-9 hour stretch at night???

And honestly it doesn't bother me too much. I've become accustomed to functioning on 2-3 hrs of sleep. So if I manage one night to get a wee bit more, I'm golden. Last night was a good example on exactly how much sleep I need to function fully and feel awake. Yup I said it I feel awake!! When I first opened my eyes at 6:30 that was definitely not the case, but after a cup of coffee and now a cup of tea, we are in business.

For many of you, your day may come to an end as soon as your head hits your pillow at night. In my case I feel like my day never really ends, that its just one big stretched out process where the days magically seem to change. I laid down to go to sleep at 10pm, after sometime when my brain was just too tired to work, I fell asleep, only to be awoken by the midnight alarm letting me know it was time to go test Cliffy. My next alarm was set to go off at 3am, but Clifford woke up feeling dizzy at 1am, and after a day of doing nothing but dropping to lows, I jumped out of bed to check him. The meter beeps and shows a 495!!! *insert many curse words here, that went through my head*. I sent him back up to bed, but thankfully by this time by brain was functioning once more and I made the decision to give a correction dose of insulin. I wasn't going to "let him ride" on the wave of a dangerous high level. Injection given and I once again start to think about this so called "sleep" that has become foreign to me. But it's going to have to wait as Maggie woke up. And a short while later when I just got Maggie down Annie awoke. I guess you can say they had pretty good timing and didn't wait till 10 mins into my sleep to wake up. From 1am-3am it was twin feeding, rocking time, along with a few episodes of Desperate Housewives (got to love Netflix). At 3am was when my next alarm was set to go off, so I just turned it off and went to test him. We were still sitting at over 400! Even 2 hours after a correction dose.

At around 5am Chad's alarm went off for work, and he knew I had wanted to check Cliffy so he got me up. I really only remember mumbling to him how I didn't want to move and my eyeballs were burning. I walked upstairs in my zombie like state, tested and we had dropped to 367, I suppose this was a better evil then the over 400! I went right back to bed and don't remember actually remember walking back to the bed. All I know is I awoke at 6:30 to feed the twins and start my day.

Now maybe one day I may get to partake in the thing we call sleep. But honestly until a cure is found I highly doubt I'll be seeing it anytime soon.

D is one Ninja I hate!

Starting tonight's post off with something that I've been secretly saying to myself all day and I think it's about time to get it out. I F**king hate you D! Whew there that feels a little better. D and I are anything but friends but it seemed like the last week and a half we had at least been being civil for the kid (Cliffy). Well D today decided to to be it's normal assy self and throw Cliffy and I on a roller coaster of blood sugars. It all started at 2am with a low of 66, we treated and brought back up. I double checked him again at 5am and he was 123 (*whew*). 7:30 rolls around just before breakfast time I hear "mommy I'm dizzy". Well let's check, the meter beeps and we are 95!! And at the time I'm measuring the carbs for the cereal so we are good to go. Not even 10 mins later when I'm getting the last of breakfast out, I hear "Mommy I'm dizzy". I go upstairs to find him sitting down, this time it was slightly different he was shaking, meter in hand I checked and after the beep 35!!! I held his lil hand all the way down the stairs, held it when I was pouring the juice, just to make sure he wouldn't fall.

We finally got back up in range,126! Not too long after I go to check on him, he's laying down in his room on the floor. Well might be normal for some but the sight of him laying there sent me into heart attack mode briefly. He was fine, just bored. Thank god I say to myself, because with all the lows, the site of him laying there on the floor well it's just say very scary. This time when I check he's 52! Another drastic drop in just a short amount of time. Once we get back in range again, lunch time rolls around with a 160 (score 1 for us), an hour after lunch we're sitting pretty at 152! 10 mins later I hear the oh so common phrase of the day "Mommy I'm dizzy". *sigh* Meter beeps we are sitting pretty at 116. A short while later I hear yup you guessed it the phrase of the day. He is 88! Normally 88 is within range but at this time we are still an hour out from snack, so I say screw it and treat him just as I would a normal low, Juice and crackers. I believe this was the point in my day I was really contemplating some wine tonight....

To save from a 10 page posting I will shorten the rest of the day to this, I went through a 64 oz bottle of Juicy Juice all with Clifford today! We had many, many, many lows, the lowest being our 35 to start our day! I made the decision to give extra protein at dinner in hopes that would help, however D is being a huge pain in the ass and decided to throw a wrench in that plan by dropping him to 68 just a little while ago. This leaves Mommy to do some tweaking with decreasing doses tonight, and multiple checks throughout the night to ensure we are not dropping. This also means that caffeine in large, historic doses will be needed tomorrow to function.

You may start to question the Ninja graphic at the start of my post. Well I think D is in most ways like a ninja, it lurks in the shadows making you think everything is going smoothly, then *WAM, Karate Chop(as Chad would put it)* It knocks you on your ass and turns you into putty in it's controlling hands. D is silent, and sneaks around reeking havoc on those it encounters. And the most unfortunate thing about D is that it is deadly! Normally I'm a huge fan of ninjas, to me their awesome. However this is one ninja I'd like to see it's ass get royally handed to them.

The only positive things I take away from D's havoc filled day is I will be tucking my little boy in tonight, knowing we battled the monster another day. And I made it through yet another day battling D with my sanity and all my hair......

I'm a carb, your a carb, everythings a carb!

Today was a more positive day in D land. Cliffy was chosen as an Ambassador for The Diabetes Dude! If you haven't heard of him yet, his name is Noah, and he's a great kid that is doing wonderful things to raise awareness for diabetes. Have a look at his site here: http://www.thediabetesdude.com/ and also take a moment to vote for Noah here: http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/information/community/dlife_awards/dlife_top10.html.

Cliffy and I are both very excited that he was chosen. It was a good day in our D land. After experiencing quite a few lows today from tons of playing and running, we couldn't have gotten better news! So for now we are on top of the world. The only downside was dinnertime when I just for one second wanted it to not be such a hassle. Gone are the days of just tossing something in the oven without concern of how much sugar or carbs are in it, or if there is enough protein. Now instead of carefree cooking and eating, we partake in counting carbs, weighing or measuring out the exact serving size so it's exactly the number of carbs listed on the box. For once I would like the word "CARB" to be erased out of my vocabulary. I think I know so much about carbs that I am beginning to turn into a carb.......

So I end my post tonight with a silly poem about carbs.

What is a carb, can you tell me?
A carb is what gives mommy a headache you see.
She counts them all day, and dreams about them at night.
We have to take on Carbs in our D fight.
For one day I wish the word carb would just go away.
Besides, isn't about time that carbs took a holiday.

How a missing piece was found...

The most common phrase you will hear as a teenager or probably have heard is "your too young, your not in love". While that may hold true for some, others it's not. At 14 years old I found myself feeling endless butterflies, and flip flops in my stomach the moment he glanced my way. When he held my hand it felt as if my heart was about to explode out of my chest. And even when he beemed a wiffle ball at me while we were playing baseball, my heart skipped a beat. A moment shortly after as we laid back, where I can't remember fully where we were, but what I do remember is laying there staring into his eyes and feeling like I could look at them forever. Girls always remember their first kiss, but how many can say it was with the one they would want to spend the rest of their lives with? I was in fact 14, a teenager, it couldn't possibly be love but infatuation, right?

As high school moved on, those feelings did nothing but get a little stronger, instead of my heart exploding, I felt like I was going into full cardiac arrest when he paid any sort of attention to me. I remember one night sneaking out to attend a party for him at Adam's (sssh, mom didn't know about this then but will now!). We weren't dating at the time and he was actually with someone else. But we were friends and the chance to get to see him well I'd jump at that no matter what. I can look back and think one of the best days had to be when he decided he was going to be our statistician for volleyball. We weren't exactly "together" at this time but that didn't matter to me, to me it meant I got to see him more. Volleyball was my life at this time, and I can probably contribute some of my success with it to the fact that I was attempting to show off for him.


When I moved at the end of my junior year it felt like that heart that was so eager to jump out of my chest had just died. Part of me was missing, I felt empty, and nothing seemed to fill this void. Even though we tried the distance between us, as teenagers was to hard to battle with. I got to attend my senior prom back at my old high school, I looked forward to it for many reasons. I got to see my old friends again, got to visit everyone, but most importantly I knew HE would be there. I was beyond nervous, but the moment I saw him, something just felt right. My heart felt a little less empty.I couldn't take my eyes off of him that night. Hopefully I did a good job at hiding that part :D. It may have been rude at the time, but I spent more time dancing with him that night then I did my actual date to the prom. I missed him more then anything and wanted nothing more then to talk with him forever. But sadly like all good things that night had to come to an end. The last time I saw him was the day after prom, he picked me up at the motel and we went somewhere briefly (again I can't remember exactly where), all that mattered to me was it was with him. I was now 18, but I knew my heart would never be the same.

Now if they say "It's not love"... I would beg to differ. And even though I moved forward on the outside, on the inside my heart was never the same. I spent the majority of my adult life, wondering what he was doing, how he was and asking myself if he was happy. I wanted nothing more then to run into him somewhere, just to get another glance at him and know he was okay.
While I wouldn't change anything in my past because the outcome of it was 3 beautiful children I would do anything for and love dearly, part of me always wondered "what if"....

The happy ending to my story is I don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. The icing on the cake was when I found out he actually felt the same way about me. I no longer felt like a creepy stalker, looking him up online every chance I got just to make sure he was doing okay and that he was happy.

The best part of it all was my heart, that always felt like something was missing, was now whole once again. They say you have a soul mate out there, a one true love. Before I would have laughed and said it's not possible. But now I know it is true, and that you will know who this person is because your heart will feel as if something is missing if they are not in your life. To me my definition of a soul mate, and true love is someone you can see yourself growing old with, someone who makes you laugh, someone who understands your wacky sense of humor, someone you would do anything for, someone who makes your life that much better to be living, your best friend, and most importantly someone that completes your heart!

I missed him more then anything in the world, but now with him it feels like the sunshine is that more brighter. I can picture us old, still making pervy comments to one another, still fighting with the grandkids to play their video games, and still 100% totally head over heels for one another.

Back to Reality!

Lately it seems that I have been doing an okay job at being Clifford's pancreas. His numbers have been within range mainly around 80-160s for a week and a half, with only 1 or two highs. Last night comes around and the meter beeps 316 at the check before his bedtime snack .... *Facepalm* smacked back to reality.

Although I know deep down he has Type 1 diabetes and it will never go away and we will always be fighting this monster. There are times like this last week and a half that I sometimes drift into dreamland and think for once, oh maybe his body corrected himself.. Reality is, no it will not he has from here on out a non functioning pancreas. He has been declared out of the honeymoon stage which is bittersweet. Sad because that means basically his pancreas if fully dead. He still had 20% usage left when he was diagnosed. The only positive (we have to find positives somewhere when dealing with D), is that getting out of the honeymoon stage means we can move forward in our battle with D. Forward to getting on an insulin pump, which will give us some better control of Cliffy's blood sugar.

Now seeing as we had a 316 at bedtime, that meant a higher dose of insulin to cover the carbs for our bedtime snack. This also meant more frequent nighttime checks to make sure he wasn't dropping too fast. Multiple checks last night showed a steady number range at 96, 102, 108, and 97! Then at wake up... *Drum roll please* 109!!!! So F! off briefly Diabetes we managed to keep you at bay for the night and morning! But as we all know D is a mean bastard and will battle us just as hard for the rest of the day.

Here's to good numbers for you all in D land! And for hope that you all can at least get 2 hours of sleep in one stretch without the worry of D!

And I'm sure I speak on behalf of a lot of you when I say Duck Fiabetes!!! (just the other way around...... ;) )

A step back in awareness.......

The Ricki Lake slip of the tongue mistake might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people. But to the Type 1 community it was a HUGE step back in awareness. We already deal with all the time the misconceptions between T1 and T2 diabetes. And now when a celebrity goes on TV and makes a slip of the tongue mistake it adds to these misconceptions. A small mistake such as this can lead to ignorance among the public.

No Clifford did not consume sugar daily, no he was not overweight, no his diet didn't consist of sweet after sweet after sweet. More importantly HE DID NOT BRING IT ON HIMSELF, and I DID NOT CAUSE IT!! Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disorder, his body attacked his pancreas. For a brief lesson on Type 1 diabetes:

Type 1 diabetes occurs when the body's immune system attacks and destroys certain cells in the pancreas, an organ about the size of a hand that is located behind the lower part of the stomach. These cells -- called beta cells -- are contained, along with other types of cells, within small islands of endocrine cells called the pancreatic islets. Beta cells normally produce insulin, a hormone that helps the body move the glucose contained in food into cells throughout the body, which use it for energy. But when the beta cells are destroyed, no insulin can be produced, and the glucose stays in the blood instead, where it can cause serious damage to all the organ systems of the body.

For this reason, people with type 1 diabetes must take insulin in order to stay alive. This means undergoing multiple injections daily, or having insulin delivered through an insulin pump, and testing their blood sugar by pricking their fingers for blood six or more times a day.....

Our typical day usually includes 6 daily injections in his arms, legs, and even belly. 10-12+ finger pokes to get blood to test his blood sugar. This includes testing at school, shots before lunch and snack while at school. And multiple tests made throughout the night. I live my life in 2-3 hour increments daily. I sleep in 2-3 hr stretches, and his meals must be between 2-3 hours apart so he can get his insulin on time. Carbohydrates must be counted with each and every meal. He must have blood work done at least every 3 months so we can get our "Good Mommy Report Card", or our A1c number.. ..

Imagine you son or daughter get's the flu... No big deal right, he / she is getting sick not keeping anything down... Well give her some water make sure that she stays hydrated let her sleep it off and she'll be fine.... Not in our case. The flu can be deadly. If he is not keeping food down, he still needs insulin. If he doesn't have the carbs in him to cover the insulin all he is going to do is drop lower, and lower, and lower. And unfortunately I have seen first hand what exactly a low blood sugar drop can do. He has been through a seizure caused by hypoglycemia, and passed out and bumped his head from hypoglycemia.

It is not that difficult to go and do a few brief minutes of research on something you are going to speak to millions on. Get it right, or don't talk about it at all.

Now GMA refuses to return the calls of people in the T1 community wanting to ask if they are going to correct her mistake on TV. Apparently they think just sweeping us under the rug will shut us up. Nope sorry not going to happen.