Wednesday, May 13, 2015

DBlog Week: Day #3 Clean it Out

Today's Prompt for DBlog Week is "Clean it Out" This could be something in your diabetic closet that needs to be tossed, or something you are mentally or emotionally hanging onto. While I'm sure there are a few things in the D closet that we should toss, I'd like to talk about the mental/ emotional aspect.

When Clifford was first diagnosed in 2010, I held on to "Guilt" that somehow, someway if I could have noticed the signs/ symptoms earlier things would have been different, that he would have NOT gotten diabetes. It took me awhile to release that guilt and understand that no matter what I did differently, like NOT feed him pancakes with REGULAR Syrup during the week before diagnosis, that I couldn't have prevented this. That guilt was heavy, and weighed me down. It took me to places that I didn't like. The relief in letting it go was substantial. So while I do not have to release and 'clean out' this guilt now, there may be someone out there reading this that may still be holding on to guilt. I hope in some way my story will help you to understand that you are not responsible for your disease, your child's disease, or your loved ones disease. There is nothing, right now, that can be done to prevent Type 1 diabetes.

Fast-forward to 5 years later and another diagnosis in one of my children, and the guilt is no longer there, but the heartbreak is. While I know it was a huge blessing on how we found out about Maggie's diagnosis, Read HERE for more information, I still am heartbroken over it. The heartbreak is something I'm struggling with. I know we caught it early, I know it could have been so much worse, so much worse, but my heart is still broken that she has to take on this disease. My heart breaks a little more each time I look at the marks adding up and the imprints on her fingertips from testing 10+ times a day. It breaks a little more when she asks "If this is the last shot forever". And then I have to explain to a 4 year old that no, this is not the last shot forever, and in fact more will come in the future. My heart breaks and sinks into the depths of my soul when she lays her head down claiming she's soooo sleepy, because I know this means she's low. My heart breaks just a bit more when she bruises from a shot, or I can start to play connect the dots on the marks from previous shots. And as silly as it sounds, my heart breaks just a tiny bit more when I see the sharps container filling up, because I know it means she's endured more shots.

This one is going to be a bit trickier than the guilt to clean out. I'm not sure I will 100% get over it. But I do know that the blessing of waking up and seeing their smiling faces alive and well the next day helps to mend the breaks from the days before. The good days, and good numbers help to heal a bit more of my broken heart. While I may not ever be able to fully toss out the heartbreak, I do know that there is always a reason to smile and be happy, and even though it may be day by day sometimes, that's good enough for me.

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