Why does God allow suffering??

Looking through tomorrow's adult Sunday School discussions, I saw we were discussing "Why does God allow suffering". This really made me sit and think because we all know when dealing with Diabetes our faith is sometimes tested. I previously wrote a blog post titled God and Diabetes . It was my way of letting other's know that I struggled with an answer to why God would choose to let my son suffer daily with a disease there is no known cure for. It was a true test of faith, the biggest test I've ever had to encounter.

I've learned in my readings that you have a choices to make daily, whether that choice is to be happy, to work, to love, to be angry, bitter, or to let Diabetes put a hold so tight on your life that you will never know what it feels like to be happy. I don't know about you but Diabetes already has the upper hand in our lives, and I'm not going to let it take control more then it has to. Back to the daily choices, there are many I choose daily, but the most important one is to "live". I understand it's hard when dealing with D to comprehend why God would make the "choice" to have D enter into your life. But think of it this way, I'm not going to sit back and just "deal" with D. I'm going to make sure we do our very best to make sure it's not taking over Cliffy's life more then it has to. I'm also going to do my very best to make sure we advocate, and work to find a cure. I don't think God would want those working on his behalf that will just "deal" with what he's placed upon us. I think he wants only the most determined individuals helping each other by working to the ultimate goal of a cure, an end of this disease. For this reason I feel God chose us that are touched by D because he knew we wouldn't just "deal".

Our Year with Diabetes in Pictures....

Today's D Blog Post is Saturday Snapshots featuring D!! I've decided to basically sum up our year with Diabetes in Pictures.

This about sums up our year with Diabetes... Through it all he's still smiling!

Awesome Things......

It took awhile for me to write up this post as it's very hard to imagine what "awesome" things diabetes has brought us. Today we experienced our first "LO". A "LO" reading on the meter means the blood sugar level is below 20!!! This happened after recess at school.

Honestly there are only a small handful of good things I can think of because of Diabetes..

1.) We take it day by day.... We were forced to slow down and cherish everyday with one another. It's a celebration when Clifford wakes up in the morning on his own. Putting him to bed at night is one of the more scary things that I have to do.

2.)I now have a HUGE understanding how many things work and affect the body. For example did you know that there are 4 calories per gram of carbs???? Or that 1/3 of energy from protein is made into sugar??

3.) Because of diabetes I am more aware of the symptoms of D. I am more able to recognize them much sooner.

I apologize for not having many positives about D today but I'm worn out from our first low incident, and the day in general.

Diabetes Bloopers and MORE...

When dealing with diabetes not everything always goes perfect. We have a swing of highs and lows, some that can be explained but more often then not there is no explanation for them. But the stress of dealing with this disease on a daily basis can get overwhelming at times, and it's good to take a look back on the lighter side of the disease.

Today is the perfect day for me to reminisce on our "Diabetes bloopers". Because today is one of those days that the stress of the disease, and lack of sleep for quite awhile is really weighing on me, and making things harder to handle. Today is one of those days I feel alone in Clifford's diabetic care, and everything is getting a bit overwhelming. It's not because of our numbers, they are great, within range. I recently discovered his dinner sliding scale was way too low and he needed more insulin, by increasing it our numbers have been wonderful! So in all looking back on the funny side of D may help with the general blah feeling about it today.

There have been many times since Cliffy's diagnosis that I have accidentally pricked some part of me with a syringe. In the beginning the first time I did this I remember briefly freaking out because the syringe had insulin in it. My thinking was this "OMG I just stuck myself with a syringe filled with insulin and now have given myself insulin, I'm going to make myself drop really low". After awhile I knew I didn't really inject any insulin just poked myself with the needles. The one time that sticks in my memory is that of when I was getting ready to put the insulin in the syringe, and the syringe fell and hit me right in my ankle bone, it was sticking straight up, not moving so steady. Yes this hurt, but I kind of played it off in front of Clifford. Thinking back on this I should have taken a picture because it was quite hilarious how steady and straight it was coming out of my ankle.

There have been times now that I accidentally get a cut on my finger or arm, and I start bleeding a little, I immediately test myself, it's perfectly good blood, why waste it right? Those are our little diabetes "oopsie's". They probably don't seem that funny, but actually were quite hilarious at the time.

It's hard to deal with this disease as a parent, I'm not going to lie and sugar coat it. I just cannot imagine what Clifford goes through or what he will in the future in dealing with it on his own. I have my good days and bad, and usually can get through my "bad" days without any fuss, but once in awhile everything seems so heavy on my shoulders that I just break down, and the tears start to run. I try to hold back but it's hard, it's our reality, and I'm plain sick and tired of this disease and what it does daily. I try to take pride in our little accomplishments if you can call them that. Those being those days when the numbers seem to be just perfect, but then D smacks you right back in the face to let you know in fact they are in charge and you are just living in a little fairytale world thinking you may be able to control them. I get through these days it just really sucks, (no other word for it), during the times I feel like this. I'm not perfect so I'm not going to always be smiling about Cliffy's diabetes. There are days if you ask me I'll tell you it's not so bad and we are managing it good. And there are other's I will openly admit I hate the disease and let you know just how much I hate it. Today is one of those days. So thankfully I was given a chance this morning to look back on the lighter side of D and remember that not everything in dealing with this disease can be perfect, but it's hard not to wish it was. It's hard not to feel alone when you try to shield your child from the downside of dealing with diabetes and let them be a "kid". Today this D mom is worn out and tired of battling D, and plain hating the fact D entered into Cliffy's life. But like any other bad D day I will get over it, and keep doing what I have to, to kick it's ass.

Letter Writing Day-A letter to Clifford.

Today for D-Blog week our topic is to write a letter. There were many topics I could have chosen to write to, for example to our Blood Glucose meter, The Freestyle Lite. Clifford and I personally love this meter, it requires a minimal amount of blood I mean dealing with D we need to find some positive somewhere, right? . Instead I thought about this topic a bit and decided to write to Clifford.

Dear Clifford,

It's crazy how big you are getting, and just how smart you really are. I'm very sorry D came into our lives just a short year ago. But through it all you've showed just how strong you really are. We've had our scary moments in our year with D, but we've managed to come out and continue on our journey. I'm very thankful every day that you are in my life, and I thank God that he has watched over you during the times I thought we might lose you. I wish more then anything for you a cure. If I could wave a magic wand and switch places with you, I would in a heartbeat. But until the day comes that we get our wish answered we must continue on with our battle. We will have our ups and downs, and days were we hate D for entering in our lives. But know this we will make it through it all still smiling, and thankful that we have another opportunity to be with one another. Everyday is a celebration for me when you wake up in the morning, and I see your face. I want more then anything for you to know I love you more then you'll ever realize, and I'm grateful for being your mom.

You may get in trouble because you misbehave, but know this, it's for your own good. I wish for you my son that one day a cure will be found, and you can live out your dream of being in the military. Until then we must continue to raise awareness, and keep battling the beast we refer to as D. If there is ever a time you are sick of dealing with D, take a break from thinking about it, and let me care for you as I do daily. Try not to worry about anything, as I will do my best to keep you healthy. I want for you to be a kid first, not a kid with diabetes.

Love, Mommy

Admiring our differences.....

Not everyone is the same, we all bring something unique to the table. I love to see the differences in everyone. Besides, if we all were the same that would just be way too boring.

To start off D Blog week our topic is "Admiring our differences". First and foremost I admire each and everyone of you that deal with Diabetes on a daily basis, no matter which type. Diabetes is no fun in any shape or form. I admire the strength adults have to live with this beast, and I admire the perseverance of Parents of T1D's.

But for the purpose of this post, the differences that I admire as a mother of a T1 Diabetic would be those of our adult T1 bloggers such as Kelly Kunik at DiabetesLiciousness. Adult T1's like Kelly give me the inside insight on what it is to live with T1 as an adult. It is a bit comforting to see this inside view because one day Cliffy will be all grown up and on his on. Just the thought of that scares the crap out of me.

I already worry enough what it's going to be like during his rebellious stage in his teenage years. I have already well prepared that I'm not going to be his best friend during those times. But hope in doing so and keeping on him about keeping up with his diabetic care, that he will be very responsible with his care as an adult. And that eventually one day we may be best friends once again, when he realizes I only did what I had to do to keep him happy and healthy.

Until that day when we can sit and chit chat on what it was like with him growing up with D, I will be behind the scenes doing the very best I can to make sure everything is working, minimizing complications, and most importantly making it so he has as much as a "normal" childhood I can possibly give him living with D!

Mother's Day, and what it means to be a MOM.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a D mom???? What I think of is "Determination". I could have said lack of sleep, stressed, worried, or even fearful. But determination sticks out the most. Because above all else, we are determined that there will one day be a cure for our children. We are determined that even with a disease that doesn't behave running wild through their tiny bodies, that they will lead and live a normal, healthy life. We are determined they will learn just how strong they are, and how much we love them. And most importantly we are determined for our children to LIVE!!

What it means to be a mom all around to me is never ending love. The type of love no matter how bad, how mouthy, or how crazy you are, it stays with you. I hope that even though my kids will eventually get older, and have a family of their own and move away that they know and will never have to question whether they are loved. Mother's Day has gotten more interesting and fun as the kids get older and want to do and make things for you. In all I got 7 different flower pots, 3 carnations, COUNTLESS number of cards, breakfast in bed. But most importantly Hugs and kisses, and Many Happy Mother's Day from "all" my kids.

I heard many comments from members of our church today from "Well behaved kids, how do you do it, what's your secret, and super mom". But the comment that stuck with me the most, was the praise and admiration of another member for bringing the children to church and sunday school, so they can in turn learn about God's love. It's funny how watching your child learn to pray, and fold their hands can bring tears to your eyes.

I may lose hundreds, or more hours of sleep during my lifetime, I may get peed, puked and pooped on (this actually happened today by accident, Thank you ANNIE!), I may at times, just think "I cannot wait till these kids go to bed", or have days where the constant tattle telling just get's annoying. But in all I'm thankful and grateful for the opportunity that God has presented before me. The opportunity to mold, shape, and raise these little people. The opportunity to feel loved like no other love. This quote holds true

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

What makes my journey as a Mom even better is to have someone to share my journey with. And for that I am also very Grateful and thankful that God chose to make our path's meet again, and from that give us two more children, Annie & Maggie! It's a fun experience to watch them grow up and interact with one another. Our journey has just begun, but it is definitely going to be a great one!