Letter Writing Day-A letter to Clifford.

Today for D-Blog week our topic is to write a letter. There were many topics I could have chosen to write to, for example to our Blood Glucose meter, The Freestyle Lite. Clifford and I personally love this meter, it requires a minimal amount of blood I mean dealing with D we need to find some positive somewhere, right? . Instead I thought about this topic a bit and decided to write to Clifford.

Dear Clifford,

It's crazy how big you are getting, and just how smart you really are. I'm very sorry D came into our lives just a short year ago. But through it all you've showed just how strong you really are. We've had our scary moments in our year with D, but we've managed to come out and continue on our journey. I'm very thankful every day that you are in my life, and I thank God that he has watched over you during the times I thought we might lose you. I wish more then anything for you a cure. If I could wave a magic wand and switch places with you, I would in a heartbeat. But until the day comes that we get our wish answered we must continue on with our battle. We will have our ups and downs, and days were we hate D for entering in our lives. But know this we will make it through it all still smiling, and thankful that we have another opportunity to be with one another. Everyday is a celebration for me when you wake up in the morning, and I see your face. I want more then anything for you to know I love you more then you'll ever realize, and I'm grateful for being your mom.

You may get in trouble because you misbehave, but know this, it's for your own good. I wish for you my son that one day a cure will be found, and you can live out your dream of being in the military. Until then we must continue to raise awareness, and keep battling the beast we refer to as D. If there is ever a time you are sick of dealing with D, take a break from thinking about it, and let me care for you as I do daily. Try not to worry about anything, as I will do my best to keep you healthy. I want for you to be a kid first, not a kid with diabetes.

Love, Mommy

Admiring our differences.....

Not everyone is the same, we all bring something unique to the table. I love to see the differences in everyone. Besides, if we all were the same that would just be way too boring.

To start off D Blog week our topic is "Admiring our differences". First and foremost I admire each and everyone of you that deal with Diabetes on a daily basis, no matter which type. Diabetes is no fun in any shape or form. I admire the strength adults have to live with this beast, and I admire the perseverance of Parents of T1D's.

But for the purpose of this post, the differences that I admire as a mother of a T1 Diabetic would be those of our adult T1 bloggers such as Kelly Kunik at DiabetesLiciousness. Adult T1's like Kelly give me the inside insight on what it is to live with T1 as an adult. It is a bit comforting to see this inside view because one day Cliffy will be all grown up and on his on. Just the thought of that scares the crap out of me.

I already worry enough what it's going to be like during his rebellious stage in his teenage years. I have already well prepared that I'm not going to be his best friend during those times. But hope in doing so and keeping on him about keeping up with his diabetic care, that he will be very responsible with his care as an adult. And that eventually one day we may be best friends once again, when he realizes I only did what I had to do to keep him happy and healthy.

Until that day when we can sit and chit chat on what it was like with him growing up with D, I will be behind the scenes doing the very best I can to make sure everything is working, minimizing complications, and most importantly making it so he has as much as a "normal" childhood I can possibly give him living with D!

Mother's Day, and what it means to be a MOM.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a D mom???? What I think of is "Determination". I could have said lack of sleep, stressed, worried, or even fearful. But determination sticks out the most. Because above all else, we are determined that there will one day be a cure for our children. We are determined that even with a disease that doesn't behave running wild through their tiny bodies, that they will lead and live a normal, healthy life. We are determined they will learn just how strong they are, and how much we love them. And most importantly we are determined for our children to LIVE!!

What it means to be a mom all around to me is never ending love. The type of love no matter how bad, how mouthy, or how crazy you are, it stays with you. I hope that even though my kids will eventually get older, and have a family of their own and move away that they know and will never have to question whether they are loved. Mother's Day has gotten more interesting and fun as the kids get older and want to do and make things for you. In all I got 7 different flower pots, 3 carnations, COUNTLESS number of cards, breakfast in bed. But most importantly Hugs and kisses, and Many Happy Mother's Day from "all" my kids.

I heard many comments from members of our church today from "Well behaved kids, how do you do it, what's your secret, and super mom". But the comment that stuck with me the most, was the praise and admiration of another member for bringing the children to church and sunday school, so they can in turn learn about God's love. It's funny how watching your child learn to pray, and fold their hands can bring tears to your eyes.

I may lose hundreds, or more hours of sleep during my lifetime, I may get peed, puked and pooped on (this actually happened today by accident, Thank you ANNIE!), I may at times, just think "I cannot wait till these kids go to bed", or have days where the constant tattle telling just get's annoying. But in all I'm thankful and grateful for the opportunity that God has presented before me. The opportunity to mold, shape, and raise these little people. The opportunity to feel loved like no other love. This quote holds true

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

What makes my journey as a Mom even better is to have someone to share my journey with. And for that I am also very Grateful and thankful that God chose to make our path's meet again, and from that give us two more children, Annie & Maggie! It's a fun experience to watch them grow up and interact with one another. Our journey has just begun, but it is definitely going to be a great one!

Another Day in D Land....

If you knew a monster lived in your house that has tried to take your child's life not once but three times, how would you feel about this beast? If you knew this monster was your permanent guest in your house and there was no way to rid your child of this life threatening beast, how would you feel? This is how I look at Diabetes, it is a monster, a vicious beast, that is not welcomed but however will stay with us until a cure is found.

I write this post for two reasons, this morning we had a scenario that brings chills to my body just thinking about the possibilities. Because this scenario reminded me of past events where this beast tried to take my sons life. In this post I will share with you what happened today to make me remember these events, and I will also share our past experience with D.

It all started with this: I'd like to know how one's blood sugar can go from a low of 72 at 5:45 am to 455 by 7:30 am????!?!?!?! I have a few choice words for D at this point, especially when we only treated with a Juice box, and nothing else... Yes I've heard of the dawn phenomenon, but seriously D, that much of a spike for no reason whatsoever in my opinion is completely and utterly ridiculous.

I can just imagine what this feels like for Clifford, I'm sure it cannot be fun at all. To my surprise even though he was extremely high, he was not acting up. We also didn't have any ketones. But please tell me how I'm supposed to feel comfortable with sending him off to school at 455, after being given the highest dosage of insulin on his scale??? We've dealt with the unfortunate outcome of D being an outright ass before and not cooperating. Back in April of 2010, only 2 weeks shy of our 2 months since diagnosis, Clifford was extremely high with afternoon snack. We were still learning the ropes, and he was still in the mindset of eating whatever and whenever he wanted and had snuck a giant pixie stick, with no insulin to cover...... Long story short, at this time the highest dosage was 5 units for snack on the sliding scale he was on. Now let me tell you snack is only supposed to be 15 carbs. I, not knowing a lot about D at this time, gave him his insulin, and snack. He ate it like a champ and went up to his room to play. As I was down doing the dishes about 30 mins later Abby came downstairs and said Clifford was laying down on the floor in his room.

I ran upstairs to find Clifford laying face down in front of his bed, he was unresponsive to me and wouldn't wake up. I rolled him over and noticed a bump on his head. At this point I was convinced something was wrong, but I tried to stay calm and told the girls it was okay, please go downstairs and sit in the living room. I ran for our Emergency shot called Glucagon. Before giving him the shot, I quickly tested his blood sugar to find he was in fact 52. I attempted to wake him or stir him or get any sort of movement out of him, but nothing happened. Now it was time for me to give him the emergency glucagon shot to bring up his blood sugar quickly. For anyone that doesn't know what this is, it's one scary looking needle, just saying. It's huge in comparison to our normal syringes to give insulin. Even though I was trained to use this, it was very hard to do with my hands shaking. I somehow, I don't really know how or what happened exactly it was all a blur, but I gave him the shot in his belly (more meat to work with there for this HUGE needle). I tested him and his blood sugar had jumped up to 144. But yet there was still no response from Clifford. I immediately called 911, and told Abby and Hayleigh to please get their shoes on. All the while trying my best to keep them calm, but it was soo very hard to do with myself freaking out on the inside thinking I was losing my son. It seemed like forever but the ambulance did eventually get there.

Thankfully my neighbors took Abby and Hayleigh and Clifford and I were off to the hospital in the ambulance. He still was unresponsive, but began to vomit in the ambulance. His blood sugar on the trip was staying steady around 140-150, but no response from him. When he began to vomit he started making weird noises but no words. We got to the hospital and while they are great people, I just don't think they understand Type 1 diabetes and hypoglycemic episodes very much. Thankfully after getting them to understand what happened, his endo team was called in Pittsburgh, and plans were made to transport him to Children's Hospital. There was still NO talking, no motions, no nothing from Clifford at this time, but all his vitals were normal. It wasn't until after Chad had arrived at the hospital from work, and I was talking with the doctors, nurses, making the plans to transport him that Clifford started to come to, and was screaming out "Mommy". All I remember from this point on was I jumped over the bed next to him to be at his side to calm him down.

In all we only had a one day hospital stay but it was still one of the most scary situations of my life. That was until June came around......

In June out of no where Cliffy started acting weird, at first it seemed like he was just being bad, but I looked at him over and over and something just didn't seem right to me. I checked his blood sugar but he was 143, not low, so it was even more confusing to me. I had him come downstairs, instead of staying upstairs, and sit on a chair in the living room. I got in front of him and started asking him questions, something just didn't seem right, he was there talking, but I couldn't really make out what he was saying, and he wasn't making any sense at all. His eyes were looking at me, but they seemed to be looking right through me. I remember turning to Chad telling him something, just something didn't seem right at all. Low and behold a few seconds later Clifford began to have a seizure. I was not quite as calm this time around as I was the first time, I'm sure Chad can attest to that. We called 911, put Clifford on the floor and tried to keep him from hurting himself while he was seizing. When we finally got to the ER his blood sugar had dropped to 39. The nurse ran out of the room and got their version of a glucagon shot to put through his IV to bring him right up. He was brought back up but was still out of it, in and out of sleep. He eventually was life flighted to Children's in Pittsburgh, where again we had a one day hospital stay to figure out why his blood sugar while at the hospital was constantly dropping. He was fine the next day, back to his normal self ready to go home. Myself on the other hand was not.

I really try my hardest not to hate this disease but how can you not hate something that has almost taken your son's life not once but 3 times, including DKA at diagnosis????? If D were a person who attempted to kill my son 3 times, I can most definitely see myself hating this person more then anything. I have my days with D that I wish I never had to watch my boy suffer because of it. I've also had days where D cooperated and it wasn't so bad.

But then there are times like last night when Abby comes downstairs for snack at 8pm and tells me Clifford is upstairs sleeping. Normally for a parent with a non diabetic child this would be awesome, wow they put themselves to bed!!! But for me, I dropped everything that was in my hands and ran up to his room. I called out his name trying to wake him up. It took two times but he woke up and I asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm sleeping, I'm tired". I breathed out a sigh of relief , it had scared the crap outta me to hear that he was sleeping. Clifford just doesn't fall asleep, and if he does it usually isn't good.

Everyday is a fight, and I try my hardest to make Clifford think everything is as normal as possible. I try not to complain about D out loud where he can hear, or talk about how scary it is to send him off to school, or how I toss and turn over and over at night because I worry how he's sleeping. Or how my heart jumps when the phone rings in the morning and it is him calling from school to let me know he's there and feeling good. Or the adverse effect of when my heart sinks when the school calls randomly on an unscheduled call. But because D decided to enter our lives this is my reality I deal with on a daily basis. I do not wish for anyone to feel sorry for me or for Clifford. In fact I want the opposite, feel happy because we do our best to live a normal life, just with an added visitor.

Nightmare

Ever have a dream you could not wake up fast enough from. Well that was my morning dream. I went back to sleep this morning only to have a dream that we had lost Cliffy. (lost=death). Definitely not a dream I want to be having, we'll call it more of a nightmare. I couldn't seem to wake up fast enough from it. It was torture, ripped my heart from my chest, and I couldn't seem to breath. Thankfully I did finally awake but it was something I never want to dream of again. I really don't have more of a post on this or really anything about diabetes this morning. D has been acting okay for the most part with exception of a nightime low of 49 on Easter night.

But I did want to pass on some Diabetes related information for those in the Seattle area.

For anyone in the Seattle area, please message me if you're interested in attending "Conversation about Diabetes" sponsored by the Pacific Northwest Diabetes Research Institute on May 12th. (if not on FB, email lynnkern@windermere.com)

One of those days......

It all started at 10:15 pm with a random (before bed) blood sugar check. The meter beeped and read "76". UGH! I was very tired at this point. But ran downstairs to my stash of pixie sticks, and back up to Cliffy's bedside. He didn't wake at all, I opened his mouth he by habit took the pixie sticks, they were absorbed and back to sleep he went. Then 10:30 rolled around, I went to check him to see where he was now and I got a lovely "86". Normally during the day this would have been awesome, but not something you like to see before bedtime. So I decided to wait up until 11pm to test him again to make sure he was more of where I wanted him to be. When 11pm rolled around I could barely keep my eyeballs opened any longer. Thankfully he was "133", and I went to bed.


But as you can tell from this picture, my sleep wouldn't be for too long. I had a scheduled check at 12 due to the low blood sugar. He was sitting good at 168. "Yay thankfully a good 3 hr stretch of sleep". However when 3am rolled around, I wanted nothing more then to throw the iPod for waking me up again, until I realized I needed to go check him. We were a little high at 189 but something I could most definitely live with for an overnight number. I should have known that the wee morning hours would roll around and the hormones would get us once again. I swear we can never win with D. He's low during the night, then wakes up at 318! No happy medium whatsoever. That was the rough start of my day with D.

But now I am scanning over facebook and see this new Hidden Valley Ranch Commercial which by the way is very offensive to diabetics, parents of diabetics, or family members of diabetics who know what they go through on a daily basis.

I have already written an email to let them know how offensive it may come across to some.

While I absolutely love your products, I am fully offended by the new commercial. It starts by saying "10 minutes until a low blood sugar meltdown". I'm sorry but as a mother of a Type 1 diabetic (Insulin diabetic) this is truly offensive to me. I don't believe you would actually like to experience a low blood sugar meltdown. Perhaps that would be when my son passed out from having a low blood sugar and bumped his head, or when he had a seizure from an undetected low blood sugar?? I understand the idea of what you were getting at with hungry children for this commercial, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I am appalled. Not everyone will take offense to this as they don't live day in and out worried about an actual "low blood sugar meltdown", which by the way could be fatal. It is not something to joke about and I truly hope you consider rephrasing the commercial.

I have no intentions on continuing my purchasing of your products now due to your ignorance on the subject matter.

Oh wait Hidden Valley... Perhaps if I would have known T-minus 10 minutes I would have been able to get sleep last night if I would have made some Ranch burgers for dinner, or been able to detect Clifford's low blood sugar well before my bedtime..... Hmm I will keep that in mind.

I actually really do like their products especially the seasoning packet featured in the commercial, usually used it with sour cream for dip for holidays, but not this year.

The Diabetic and the Cake!

Sounds like the title to a new Disney Movie, but it's more like a new horror story. Last night was a rare occasion in our house. Cliffy is permitted to have cake on birthday's and last night happened to be Hayleigh's 3rd. On top of that she wanted a "Lollipop" cake. Now this was tricky because Cliffy wanted a lollipop too, and why shouldn't he be allowed one if his sisters are having one. If you all do not know in addition to the 10grams of sugar those tiny, little dum dums have, they also contain 13 grams of carbs. This had to be considered into my "guessing" the carbs in the small piece of cake he had and added with those in his milk. Right there with the lollipop and milk we were at 21 grams of carbs. Needless to say I guessed and gave an extra amount of his humalog (fast acting insulin) but also determined I'd be checking overnight to see how my guesswork went.

Before snack we were sitting pretty at a 94, a great number to be having some cake on I told Cliffy. I totaled the guessing of the carbs, and gave the extra insulin. 2 hours out of eating that massive carb and sugary snack, we were at 148!! Yay! I was happy with that number. Another 2 hours out at midnight and we're sitting at a 153. Still golden I thought to myself and was starting to get happy about my guesswork. At 3am, we were at 115! Awesome I thought, plus I remembered because testing Cliffy overnights I have learned between 2 and 3 am he usually drops a little, well sometimes a lot depending on how D feels like being that night. Taking into consideration I know he jumps up a little bit between 4-6 am due to hormones, I decided with that 115 at 3am he should be good and would need no correction, and it looked as if I had guessed wonderfully with the cake, besides we were now 6 hours out from the cake and sitting at 115. Wake up comes thinking his number will be no higher then 220ish, I was fairy confident on that. Boy was I mistaken, the meter read a big fat 323! Cliffy goes "UGH it was the cake". I told him it couldn't have been the cake as I tested him overnight often and his numbers were awesome, so yay! Thank you hormones and D for wrecking a good number and this D mom's confidence on guessing carbs and insulin!

A lot of you will notice too that I no longer have daily posts all the time. If you actually enjoy reading my blog and miss that, I'm sorry. But there are times I don't feel like talking about D all the time. It takes over enough of a big chunk of our lives, I sometimes get burnt out, and just sit back and try to be as normal as possible, and not worry or talk about it. My head is filled with enough D information and research to fill a few football stadiums 2-3 times over and I just get sick of it sometimes. So during those times I am quiet. I'm still dealing with D, still battling the monster, and still fighting the good fight, just silently.