Why do I feel so guilty...

The life of diabetes is never ending. As every other night I usually test Clifford's blood sugar at midnight and 3am, however last night I was particular sleepy. I treated a low at 10pm, rechecked and he was back within range. I checked once more before going to bed, but decided not to check at midnight and 3am... In fact I said a little prayer and asked God to watch over him as he slept. I also asked if he were to go low for God to wake me to let me know, somehow, someway like in the past. Well around 1am Annie woke up and after I got her back to sleep I decided that could in fact have been my little sign and he was low. So I dragged myself upstairs in the dark with my little meter with a light in tow. I waited what seemed forever for those few seconds for the meter to beep, and low and behold he was 84! Which during normal daylight hours is not all that low. However at night this is not a number to mess with. SO I treated, waited and rechecked and he was back within range. After that it was a restful slumber until I woke up this morning. He was fine within range and happy, cheerful and most importantly alive! However after the other night the guilt is killing me. I keep asking what IF I did not wake up at that time and decide to check him since I didn't set the alarms. Two nights prior I set alarms for 1am and 3am since I had checked him at 11pm. I woke up at 7am freaking out because the alarms did not go off when I knew I set them on the iPod. However after looking at it they were both off and the 1am alarm was mysteriously deleted. Thankfully Clifford was awake and at a 156! But again the guilt... So I ask myself, he was fine, I caught the low last night but why do I still feel so guilty... When JDRF came out with their ad to open the eyes of the FDA a few weeks back it was wonderful and great they put the truth out there very right to the point. In case you haven't seen the ad you can view it here:

But I think the statistics shocked everyone (1 in 20), now that is why I feel so guilty.

It always could be worse.......

I complained last night and this morning, even yelled at the alarm in the middle of the night because I was tired and wanted to sleep more than 1-2 hours a stretch. But after waking up and reading over some news feed throughout the Diabetic Online Community (DOC)I will take my complaining back, because it always could be worse. A family in Australia lost their 17 year old daughter during the night of November 8th to Type 1 diabetes... It's very sad that one cannot put their child to bed and know that they will wake up bright eyed in the morning. There have been many mornings when Clifford has slept in later than normal that I have tip toed slowly to his room for fear of what I might find. Even though he's tested overnight it's no guarantee that he will wake up in the morning.

It's unfortunate that it seems every month it seems another life or lives is lost and cut way too short because of this disease. Every month a stream of blue candles are lit in memory of those lost to diabetes. I will stop complaining of my lack of sleep and alarms going off ( I may not stop yelling at them) because it always could be worse, it always could be the latter....

With diabetes there is no guarantee
But it always could be worse

Diagnosis day is a tragedy
But it always could be worse

A full time job with no vacation or pay
But it always could be worse

A broken heart with an ache that will never cease to go away
But it always could be worse

That constant feeling of resentment
But it always could be worse

Sometimes we get lost in our own pain and torment
That we forget, it always could be worse...

I'm no beta cell...

Have you ever had a moment where it seems like everything is hitting you all at once? How about a day that was just "off". For the most part I have handled (at least I think) Clifford's diagnosis as best as one can handle a diagnosis of a chronic lifelong illness. But there are days where I get more than frustrated at the disease. Just when you think you've gotten a little bit of a "handle" if there is even one with D, on it, BAM! You are smacked back into your place of the "unknown". There is no consistency whatsoever with Diabetes. NONE. Period. Seeing as it's Diabetes Awareness month perhaps it's best to vent my frustrations at D now, here for everyone to see exactly at some point what we all go through. I read, and read, and read, and even read some more to try to grasp a bit of an understanding at what is happening in my son's body. To try to understand as best I can how certain foods affect him. I measure his blood sugar, count the carbs and give what I think from my training is the best dosage of insulin to keep him with a good stable blood sugar. But I'm no "beta cell". In case you are not familiar with exactly with what a beta cell does, here it is. A beta cell is located in the islet cells in our pancreas. They constantly measure the blood sugar, and produce insulin as needed which helps us "Non D'" to maintain a stable blood sugar. Our pancreases are so awesome in fact when say we haven't eaten for awhile, our blood sugar will start to drop, but the pancreas senses this and shuts down the production of insulin and will begin to produce glucagon, which helps to bring the blood sugar back up. It's a perfect machine of balance.

Really there is no point to this post except there are times that I am very unhappy that I cannot function like the perfect little machine of the pancreas. I'm just no beta cell...

Life with Type 1

Seeing as November is Diabetes Awareness month I think it would be best to shine some light on what it is to live with Type 1 diabetes as a child. There is a lot of different aspects to Type 1 so it will be better to provide you with a little insight on a daily basis rather than throw it all at you at once. The first little peek into the life with T1 as a child I will give you is what happened yesterday. This is the 2nd time this school year so far this has happened. I got a call around 1:30 that Clifford's blood sugar was running high all day 5 check so far throughout the day and well over 300+. He had a substitute nurse who had not worked with Clifford before and was unfamiliar with what to do in this situation. She said Clifford had just come back down and wasn't feeling good, he said his head hurt and his stomach hurt. Which when you have a high blood sugar like he did, it makes you feel icky, (upset stomach, headache, etc, etc, etc). Over a month ago the exact same thing happened but he was 451, not feeling good so he came home, got some insulin, and felt better within the hour. However the substitute nurse didn't feel 'comfortable' with dosing him when he was not supposed to be. So long story short he came home. He got a small snack, insulin to cover the carbs plus 3 units of a correction dosage because by this time he was 427. An hour and a half later he was 129! And most definitely feeling much better.

The point to the story is that Type 1 never gives you a break, at Cub Scouts we were hit with a low, and at school he was forced to come home and miss out from getting Halloween treats and classwork in the later part of the day. No break, ever....