Hope through a broken heart

Clifford doesn't even doubt that there will never be a cure for diabetes. When he talks about a time when he doesn't have "D", he states it just like stating a fact, or his name and birth date. He is very certain there will be a cure, and even says if not then he will find it, since he cannot be in the military he wants to be the doctor that cures diabetes if it hasn't happened before then. But one thing remains constant he has unlimited HOPE that it will happen. It is that hope you must hold on to when conversations like this morning happen. Clifford told me before getting his injection at breakfast that he isn't happy with his life, I asked him to explain more and he said, not his whole life, he loves his life, but he isn't happy with the diabetes part. This after his sister Hayleigh, pouted because she wanted insulin last night. Clifford told her she didn't need it that her pancreas works and that's a really good thing.

He said this all with no emotion, and acted like he was just stating a fact. I'm very happy and overwhelmed with joy that he has unlimited Hope for a cure, because honestly I can use some of that to rub off on me. There are day's I'm not so sure. But the part where he states he is not happy with his life, the diabetes part, just takes your heart and breaks it in two, especially said from an 8 year old with no emotion just stating a fact. We know how strong our D kids are and how well they handle the whole situation that you sometimes forget they battle themselves in their heads as well with what D has thrown onto their plate. It's simply nothing short of heart breaking that he feels this way at 8. He shouldn't have anything to worry about at 8 other then homework at school, or having to go to bed too early. Instead he deals with more.

In addition to all this that Diabetes throws at us, there is the guilt. He's been running high at night-time and during the day at school, for 1 million reasons that cannot be figured out because that is how Diabetes is. He wanted a caramel apple lollypop that he was permitted to have on Friday. Well he's been asking for this lollypop since Sunday evening and here it is Wednesday and he still hasn't had it. Why not because he CAN'T have it, he can, he can have anything he wants, just cover the carbs. The problem is I'm trying to get these high's under control and figure out what is going on, and I didn't want to add anything new into the picture right now. He's only had that lollypop once, and he had a good bloodsugar before hand and a good one after. It's still too new that I have no real idea how it affects his blood sugar. So here is hoping that before week's end we can get back on a somewhat normal track, if there is one, so he can have his lollypop.

There you have it, not a full 100% bright and shiny post, but full of 100% truth. Diabetes is about many things, but from the last few days diabetes has been about

Guilt
Stress
Hope
Facts
Frustration
Confusion
Anger
Awareness
Advice

Not all bad, but you get the picture.